Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Feeling of Not Measuring Up

 There is this feeling that rises up within me. It can come like a tidal wave and catch me
 off-guard or creep in quietly like the mist on a damp summer's evening.

It's the feeling of being inadequate. Do most people face this from time to time? ( Personally,
I think it's rampant among women in particular.) It's a feeling that can debilitate me. It can
cause me to wander from one thing to the next not wanting to make a decision about what
I'm going to do with my time. I don't want to commit to any certain task because I feel it
either doesn't matter or I won't do a good job anyway. And then being indecisive just confirms
the feelings that I had in the first place.

How to get over this, past it or through it is beyond me. It
seems like it's a part of me no matter how I try to STOP IT.

Though I feel that this is something that I will always contend with, there have been a few
ideas that have helped make the feelings pass more quickly.

Comparing myself to others DOES NOT help. And I'm sure that's why God warned us
about doing this in His Word. We can certainly learn from others but judging or measuring
how we shine compared to someone else can either bring discouragement or haughty way
of thinking about who we are. I don't want any part of either.

Unrealistic views of how people get to the place where I consider them successful is
another downfall of mine. However, I AM learning. There has never been any room for the
learning curve that I may need in picking up a new skill or filling a position. I have always
expected such perfection from myself and I am thinking that I have parented the same way.
My poor children. Now it makes me want to ask them. I'm afraid to ask because of the answer.
But I'll ask anyway. Thank you for that courage, Lord.

I have come to realize by watching that it's all a process. (Now one would think that that's
extremely elementary but let me tell you, sometimes I am a very slow learner! ) I used
to think that if what I did was not an instant success and right up at the top that I failed at
it and so I would get discouraged and quit. I am happy to tell you that now I can allow
myself some time to build a successful anything. And I can have peace and wait patiently
while the work goes  and grows in steady steps.

And then there's the problem of trying so hard that one can actually cut off your own foot
as the saying goes. My feelings of inadequacy have caused me to take on too much and try so
hard to make myself  look good at something, that it has come back to cripple and
even cause me to sometimes fall....hard. That was not easy to admit. Life lessons. Not very
pleasant.  I am learning not to take it all so seriously but to to make it count
without making a martyr of myself.

Lighten UP! take a chill pill...stop trying so hard to keep things between the lines...laugh a
little    LOT... especially at myself! ( I have always been annoyed by these cute little sayings.
They seemed so trite and unoriginal. But I am learning to see the value in them as I work at practicing their meaning.)

So, I have to remind myself of all these things often.
There is a re-training that takes place. A re-thinking if you know what I mean.
I have to push forward and make some things happen. I can make decisions easier now. Every
thing doesn't have to have a "purpose." Sometimes a thing can be done just because I
enjoy it. And it all matters. Some things stand a lone for a moment and that is OK. I am getting
so much more done but more importantly ENJOYING the doing and life. 

My black and white personality used to paint me into a corner but I have learned how to
maneuver around it and have been set free from many things that I have taken too literally. Sometime, I would like to share about that. There are MANY.

If any of you have any words of wisdom or advice, I would be glad to hear them.

And remember, you are: Unique. Priceless. Talented. Gifted. Very special.
It truly IS all good. And all is a process.

No comments: