Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Black Fades to Gray

These past months have been so enlightening and liberating. During this time, I have come to
realize that many areas of my life have been out of balance for a very long time. Many of them
relate to my beliefs.

One of the things that I attribute these imbalances to is this. Though I had a father
and a mother, and they were both present physically most of the time, they were unable
to be a presence in my life. Their own circumstances were overwhelming. My mother was
in and out of mental institutions before I was 8 years old. My father worked construction
and he drove long distances to the sites where he was a Master Mechanic. Usually an
hour to two hours one way.

I am not blaming my parents. These are just the facts. They did what they knew. They were
just trying to move ahead and do the best they could with the very difficult circumstances that surrounded them.  Life is not always fair and blaming circumstances or people only makes
one weak. However, it does help to reflect and understand.

I remember feeling very alone and that my life was icky. Just messy. And I always felt like
I was odd and stupid. My family wasn't like other families whose
parents did things with the kids. They talked about things. I remember taking a walk with
my older sister once and talking about life and how good that felt to me. It hit the spot way
down deep in my hungry heart. As I look back I understand that these feelings were all related
to a life that felt very much out of control.

I made a decision to live for God when I was 10. But I never felt good enough. And this
began a very long journey for me. A journey of trying to do right to feel loved and accepted
by the One who created me.

Through the many years on the road to living close to God and trying to please Him, I took
many different paths. All of them supposedly the "right" one. There were truths that were
definitely come to and clarified. But my search for the "perfect" path was not to be found.

Being of the "black and white" personality made that very difficult for me. I was very
determined. And so I tried so hard to make things make sense. I needed a box for all
my activities, beliefs and philosophies to fit neatly into. This was a place of comfort a
and ease.

All the while, He was waiting for me to come to the end of this road that I thought was
leading me into the right.

The accepting of the gray has been extremely liberating. At times, however, freedom can
bring a lot of questions and a feeling of insecurity. Not having the answers can be
intimidating and leave a person feel vulnerable.  My understanding of  "the way things work"
has gone from nothing to a little bit to a little bit more.

For the first time in my life, I am at peace with not knowing. I believe in the past, my
insecurities, and my need to belong always kept me stirred up and anxious. I am so glad to
be ok with what I don't know and who I don't fit in with. I am free to be me. To live. To love.
My husband says that I have come out of my cocoon. I am like a transformed butterfly.

I am so thankful that God didn't forsake me during my searching and questioning. I never felt abandoned or rejected. He has once again, proven Himself so loving and real.( It sounds as if
my journey is over. It's not. There is still healing to be done. Questions will still arise and
more is to be revealed. But the peace I have is lasting. )


Jeff LeFevre said...

I can see the joy and peace in your life and feel that in our relationship. I am so thankful for the beautiful, wonderful, thoughtful, kind (I could go on) person you are. Thanks for sharing your heart so openly.I love you!

Jennifer said...

What a beautiful, inspiring post Dear Stister! I am so happy for you... I Love You!! <3

Mikailah said...

This is a beautiful post, Mommy. <3 I can definitely see the joy and peace growing more and more... even in the last year! (Especially..)

I love you!!!!